Dear Moneyist,
My girlfriend and I make about the same income monthly of approximately $19,000. I have gone through a divorce and several downturns in the economy as an entrepreneur so I have $55,000 in credit-card debt and $34,000 in IRS debt, plus a car and mortgage. My gross income is approximately $225,000, so well within my abilities to pay down my debt in a year or so.
‘She’s so focused on medicine that she has forgotten about her financial obligations and defaulted on her loan.’
My concern is actually my girlfriend who makes as much as I do, but her medical school debt is through the roof at $350,000. She has no other debt, but she — like many other students — has had high interest rates of 10% on that loan. She’s so focused on medicine that she has forgotten about her financial obligations and defaulted on her loan.
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She’s a doctor and I’m an entrepreneur, but dreams of us living a comfortable life are on hold until she’s able to get that settled. Should two people with nearly $1 million in debt even consider taking it to the next level in a relationship, or should we fix that before considering marriage and the complexities that will bring to our already troubled finances?
Ed
Dear Awkward,
Dear Ed,
Looks like you both have debts that are through the roof that both forgot to pay off. Sorry to state the obvious, but there’s two of you in it. The good news: There’s not much room for blame and recrimination. You’ve both made the same mistakes, but for different reasons. It’s time for you to put all your debts on paper and, with the help of an adviser or accountant, figure out a repayment plan that you agree to stick to. Like sticking to a diet, it’s often easier to be disciplined when you’re cheering each other on and doing it as part of a team.
Debt can be crippling, but there’s no reason why you should punish yourselves by putting your lives on hold.
As long as you both have a plan, you should proceed with your lives together. While debt can be crippling, there’s no long-term reason why you should punish yourselves by never marrying or putting your relationship on hold. You did, after all, incur these debts so you could live a better life. One word of caution: If you incur debts during your marriage and you live in a community property state, you may both be responsible for those debts. So you should be aware of this before refinancing any debts, should you decide to marry.
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Your spouse is generally not responsible for your debt, but a debt collector may decide to collect from the estate if one of you dies. Jared Snider, a senior wealth adviser at Exencial in Oklahoma City, says, “Debt collectors will use addresses and phone numbers of record to attempt to collect on a debt owed. This may mean that a debt collector calls the home or cell phone numbers for both spouses in an attempt to reach the spouse owing the debt, which can lead to stressful conversations for both spouses.”
You both got into the red for different reasons and you both fell foul to the pressures of repaying this money. You should have an honest talk with each other and yourselves about how things got so out of hand that you are jointly facing $1 million in debt before you begin a life together. You need to pull back on your entrepreneurial risk taking. Your girlfriend, meanwhile, may wish to examine whatever anxieties or stress or financial issues led her to default on her student loans. It’s a good exercise in how you decide to live the rest of your lives.
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