Chivalry might be dead, but many women still welcome it when a man holds a door or picks up the check. “I always appreciate someone holding the door for me, and I always say thank you,” says Lillian Marek, a New York-based writer of historical romance novels. “I am old enough to assume that someone who invites me to dinner is paying unless splitting the check is specified.”

That courteous approach may not be much of a surprise from a woman who spends her days writing tales of swashbuckling adventurers and aristocratic ladies in corsets set in 19th century European castles. But what about the modern American woman in 2018 who is still fighting for equal pay and workplaces free of sexual discrimination? It raises an interesting question: When a man holds the door for a woman or pays for her dinner on a first date, is he being polite — or insulting?

While more than 77% of people in one survey thought a man should pay for a first date, women may see the gesture as a patronizing deal-breaker, especially as society wrestles more than ever with the power dynamic between the sexes.

But now there’s evidence that women — even committed feminists — interpret paying for dinner and holding doors as signs that a man is husband material. Interestingly, these women are fully aware that men who engage in this “benevolent sexism” could also be the type of guy who undermines women and tries to control them, a recent study published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found.

‘They still found these men attractive’

“We found women were aware benevolent sexist men may be patronizing and undermining. However, they still found these men more attractive, because these behaviors signal a willingness to protect, provide and commit,” said Pelin Gul, a postdoctoral researcher at Iowa State University. She co-authored the study with Thomas Kupfer of the University of Kent in Canterbury, England.

Gul and Kupfer studied 782 women in five experiments. They measured how women responded to men in dating and workplace contexts, and had the women rate the men’s attractiveness, warmth and willingness to provide. They also asked the women whether the men seemed patronizing or undermining.

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The two flavors of sexism

The researchers defined “benevolent sexism” as involving “positive” chivalrous feelings, like the idea that women should be cherished by men — or that men should pay for dinner dates and hold doors for women. “Hostile sexism” on the other hand involved overt discrimination against women. “Despite its romantic and flattering tone, benevolent sexism is thought to reinforce the notion that women are ‘inferior,’ and confine women to their traditional gender roles,” the researchers wrote.

Women may be making a calculated trade-off

Both women who favor traditional gender roles (known as “low feminists” in academic parlance) and those who believe in full equality between the sexes (“high feminists”) were attracted to men who displayed benevolent sexism. Essentially, the women were making a calculated trade-off, Gul said. While they were aware that sexist tendencies could have harmful effects like men being overly controlling of women, the potential bad was outweighed by the possible good that could come out of having a long-term partner committed to the woman and her offspring, Gul said.

See also: Women don’t see men who drive flashy cars as husband material

‘Women aren’t passive and completely clueless’

The conclusion that even staunch feminists were attracted to sexist men may be hard to fathom, but Gul sees a pro-woman theme in the research. Previous studies had suggested that women were attracted to benevolently sexist men because these women were oblivious to this sexism and its potential downsides. Gul said earlier research treated women as “clueless” and suggested they just fell into line with social norms.

Gul said she wanted to investigate such claims about women, and whether it was more complicated than that. The latest findings reveal that women are well aware of the potential negative consequences of sexist behavior, but are making a conscious choice based on their own needs. “Isn’t it good that women aren’t passive and completely clueless about what’s going on with men in their relationships?” Gul said.

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