Dear Moneyist,
This is my second marriage and my wife’s fourth. I came into the second marriage with a few assets whereas she has brought little. I am 14 years her senior and my position at work was eliminated a year ago. We have been married for eight months. She has told me some things that make me question our marriage. She is adamant I put her name on all the deeds, bank accounts and retirement accounts or we are through. I told her I will make her a beneficiary in a will. She said that is not good enough. What do I do?
Newlywed
Dear Newlywed,
People say, “I do,” for all sorts of reasons. Some say it for love. Others say it for money. And many people say it just because they don’t want to be alone.
There’s no way around it. Don’t submit to her demands, but be prepared to face the consequences. It could always be worse. This man’s wife left him after two days, yes days, of marriage. And this fellow’s wife refused to contribute to any bills, even though she had $800,000 in the bank. He asked her to leave before he wrote to me. This woman’s husband cashed out his retirement and, after 36 years, filed for divorce. It’s not you. It’s people. There’s nowt so queer as folk.
It doesn’t make your situation any less frustrating or confusing. When you settle down with someone you create your own world and, hopefully, that world includes honoring the social contract we all live from the first moment we get up in the morning. We don’t shout at people on the subway, we smile at strangers when they smile at us (and, sometimes, even when they don’t) and, ultimately, treat other people with respect. When that social contract is broken at home, it can be discombobulating.
Don’t miss: 10 things married couples won’t tell you
There are studies that suggest the bigger the age gap, the shorter the marriage. You have a 14-year difference and you’re eight months in. A five-year age gap statistically means you’re 18% more likely to divorce (versus just 3% with a 1-year age difference), and that rate rises to 39% for a 10-year age difference and 95% for a 20-year age gap. But I blame your situation on bad luck and the fact that you didn’t (if that’s the case) discuss finances before you got hitched.
You don’t say what state you both reside in or whether or not you have a prenuptial agreement. If you live in a community property state, you will take out of the marriage whatever you brought into it. Even if you live in an equitable distribution state where assets are in theory supposed to be distributed fairly, you have a good chance of leaving this marriage with what you had before you came into it. Your wife’s demands are unlikely to sit easy with a judge in divorce court.
Unless you can come to an understanding, be prepared to end the marriage. In the meantime, I have three pieces of advice: Document, document, document.
Final thought: She is your second wife and you are her fourth husband. In addition to marriage counselling, I suggest asking what happened with the other three.
Do you have questions about inheritance, tipping, weddings, family feuds, friends or any tricky issues relating to manners and money? Send them to MarketWatch’s Moneyist and please include the state where you live (no full names will be used).
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