Ryan Adams’ alleged controlling behavior toward ex-wife Mandy Moore is a familiar refrain to many survivors of abusive relationships.
The New York Times published accusations Wednesday from Moore and several other women who claimed that singer-songwriter Adams, who has compiled 16 albums and seven Grammy nominations, led them on with promises to further their own music careers before pursuing them sexually, and in some cases turning “domineering and vengeful.”
Adams denied the claims through his lawyer to the Times. He also tweeted denials, adding: “I am not a perfect man and I have made many mistakes. To anyone I have ever hurt, however unintentionally, I apologize deeply and unreservedly.”
Moore had been a breakout pop star in the late ’90s with hit singles like “Candy,” followed by a star turn in the 2002 movie “A Walk to Remember.” But after marrying Adams in 2009, she told the Times that her husband became emotionally abusive and stalled her career. “Music was a point of control for him,” she told the Times. “He would always tell me, ‘You’re not a real musician, because you don’t play an instrument.’ … His controlling behavior essentially did block my ability to make new connections in the industry during a very pivotal and potentially lucrative time — my entire mid-to-late 20s.” They finalized their divorce in 2016 — the same year her critically-acclaimed series “This Is Us” premiered on NBC.
Intimate partner abuse (IPV) — defined as one person controlling another other through psychological, sexual, financial and/or physical abuse — doesn’t just hurt its victims physically and emotionally, it also disrupts their financial stability, career advancement and professional reputations long after the relationship ends. The Institute for Women’s Policy Research reports that the lifetime costs of IPV — including health problems, lost productivity and criminal justice costs — run $103,767 for women and $23,414 for men. And the Department of Labor reports that victims of domestic violence lose nearly 8 million days of paid work per year in the U.S., resulting in a $1.8 billion loss in productivity for employers.
Amy, a 35-year-old New Yorker who asked for her last name to be withheld, told MarketWatch that she suffered psychological abuse in a previous, nine-year relationship, which also began in her mid-20s. “He would tell me things about my body, how if I did this or that I’d ‘look better.’ I felt worn down and that I wasn’t worthy of anything more,” she said. “I remember spilling soda once, and he flipped out, said I was ‘careless about everything.’”
Her partner stopped working and became reclusive, so Amy felt forced to support him through odd jobs working at the DMV or in beverage delivery, where she never felt confident enough to advance. “I wasn’t worth anything to move up,” she said. As a result, she didn’t save money, and has only started building her nest egg in earnest in the four years since she left him.
A Madison, Wisc., nonprofit worker who asked to go by her middle name, Marie, just got out of an abusive relationship with a man 18 years her senior last June. He made Marie, 27, responsible for picking his two children up from school and looking after them, which compromised her career as other workers her age were advancing. He also physically intimidated her and the kids, such as slamming his fist into a kitchen cabinet during one argument.
“I had to leave work early, and make all of these compromises careerwise, because I was trying to put the family unit first,” she said. “And he always talked me out of pursuing further education, like going to grad school, saying things like, ‘Oh, are you a snobby academic? Do you lord it over people when you know more than them?’ Even though he was a civil engineer with tons of certifications who had been through grad school.”
She left him last June and moved back in with her parents to get on her feet; she’s working two jobs now, and estimates that she’s lost $10,000 in annual salary through missed promotions and being out of work for six months after leaving him.
That adds up. Two-thirds of surveyed intimate-partner-violence survivors told the Institute for Women’s Policy Research that an abusive partner kept them from completing their education or job training. That has huge economic consequences, as women can miss out on earning an additional $427,000 on average during the course of their working lives for holding a two-year college degree, and an extra $822,000 for a four-year degree, according to the Georgetown Center on Education and the Workforce.
What’s more, 83% said their abusive partners disrupted their ability to work, 18% said they missed out on a promotion or raise and 38% said they lost out on other work opportunities. More than half (53%) said they lost their jobs as a result of the abuse: One survey respondent said her husband would hide her car keys so that she couldn’t get to work. Others said their partners would show up at their jobs to harass them.
Still others reported that their abusers damaged their school equipment, prevented them from completing their homework or interrupted their classes. One respondent wrote, “He would show up at my school and physically remove me from class, or lie and say one of my kids is in the hospital.”
Ruth Glenn, president of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), told MarketWatch that abusers feel threatened by partners who have established themselves (or who are trying to establish themselves) in a career. “They feel they have no control when someone else is controlling themselves. And we’ve heard stories like these from survivors and victims from every socioeconomic background and career path,” she explained. Plus, preventing a victim from earning enough money to take care of themselves can keep them trapped in the abusive relationship. The NCADV notes that between 94% and 99% of domestic violence survivors have also experienced economic abuse.
“Someone like Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams, we believe that they’re inoculated against this. He wouldn’t be a perpetrator, and she wouldn’t be a victim, because of their celebrity and their wealth and their careers,” Glenn said. “Well, this is just proof positive that this is too common, and we shouldn’t be surprised when someone like Ryan Adams is accused of this kind of thing.”
If you think your partner is abusing you, including financially, seek assistance by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Trained advocates are available 24/7 to provide you with help and support.
